Monday, October 19, 2015

Struggling but things are becoming clearer!

For about the past year, I admit I am struggling. It has been a rough year from last October to this one for me personally. I have had what feels like thing after thing happen to me. Storm after storm sometimes all converging into one big one finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It had been years since I honestly went through this. Last time was in 2004/2005 when I suffered back to back miscarriages and there were struggles with both my job and home life. That storm did clear with the birth of Miss O who from the moment she was conceived was a fighter.  

So many different things have happen to me over this past year.  I truly have a defining moment when I feel that well things turned for me personally. Last October 7, my husband, son and myself were in pretty bad car accident. A 17 year old driver slammed into us going about 65 miles a hour when we were nearly stopped. She pushed us into the middle lane and we were lucky enough not to be hit again from the middle lane because everyone else was being an aware driver. Between the stress of buying a new car, dealing with insurance and the accident, I was sore and had a horrible flare up in my hip making it hard to get around. 

As the month ended, my hip felt better and the new car buying was complete, I was looking forward to easier times. One bad thing doesn't make for a horrible time. Than in November right before Thanksgiving, I got some weird and strange eye infection. It was honestly comical because this is only stuff that happens to me. So here I am down again with some weird thing that worries the eye doctor. 

All while this is happening, my mother has just gone through double knee surgery at the same time. Plus my Father has just gotten out of the hospital for pneumonia as well. Yes all of this was stressful but part of life and as the month changed into December, yes it did look like the dark clouds were lifting. Both my parents were on the mend as was I. 

Than January 18th happen this past year and honestly this event has forever changed my life. I didn't think a fun moment would lead to such a horrible accident. Nearly nine months later, my husband talks about how my wrist and hand looked after it happen. I had no idea what struggle I would be facing for the next five months with surgery and occupational therapy to regain the use of my left hand. You don't know how important your tendons are for movement until you have to completely relearn how to use them. My doctor told me that I had tremendous metal stamina to get through a injury like this. Honestly I don't know how I did make it through it. I cried a lot to a few select people but yes I mainly held a brave face through it all. 

Compounded through this all, my Mother who is 1200 miles away, suffered a massive infection in her hip in March leaving her nearly wheel chair bound for six months. My husband was in another bad car accident and I had a slight accident as well. I still held a brave face even when I was treated badly during this time. 

To be honest it was all coming to a head at some point. My mental stamina was nearing it's end point. I had hoped that my birthday would clear the air and help start anew but I needed up sicker than a dog the whole week after. I am upset about a variety of things which mainly one being a feeling of being used by a variety of people. This past year has taught me who people truly are. I saw sides of people I have known for 20 plus years that I never thought existed. People I thought were friends only turn out to be someone who didn't really care. On the flip side, I also saw some wonderful sides of people who showed me such kindness. Truthfully,  I feel unvalued by certain family members who don't respect me yet interject themselves into things they are not invited nor welcome to. I feel continuously that I am treated poorly. But I also have seen outpouring of love by many as well. Those will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

I have held a brave face through it all while honestly a war waged inside of me. Did I have a breaking moment in all of this? Yes to some degree it happen in July and than again in August. A minor change in my life well felt huge and difficult to handle but the brave face was there. 

I am on the mend and made some choices with some guidance to work at seeing the light. I am working on being a better me so I can be a better person for my family. I also need to clear out the baggage that frustrates me and work on not letting people use and abuse me because they think I can handle it. 

I appreciate the people that have been there for me but to be honestly the ones who weren't I am no longer putting any effort into and this is something I need to personally work to be better on. Yes it might seem harsh but when someone doesn't value you, isn't that already being harsh. 

I also know that I could be a better friend to some as well and maybe I treated someone poorly in all of this. I hope that if I did, they could let me know so we can see if it can be worked on. 

There are some wonderful things happening in my life and things I am so looking forward to. The holidays are always special plus a new family member arrives here in the next few weeks and I get to be an aunt again. We have a huge surprise for our kids coming up soon which has been one big thing that has helped me going. 

I am looking forward to better times all around and am know I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and children that make it all worth it in the end. 

Thanks for stopping by!

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